TELLING

In the past, there was such a shroud of secrecy around adoption that few people felt able to speak about it openly. Adoption, however, is never a secret – someone, somewhere knows; and it is a legally documented fact. It has been rare for an adopted person to never find out.

Current thinking is that talking about adoption is important, for children adopted at any age. It allows children opportunities to explore the meaning of adoption and its relevance for themselves.

Children understand adoption in different ways at different stages of their lives. They need to explore the concept of adoption throughout their childhood and onward. Children with developmental delays or emotional problems may lag behind in their understanding, but usually go through all the recognized stages.

For the children adopted in infancy, the adoptive family have to be the ones to bring up the subject, and this can be hard in itself when you really do wish that the child had been born to you and, may also, be afraid that she will feel less loved when you tell her she is adopted, or will love you less. Parents also need to be alert for and respond appropriately to the child’s own overtures on the subject.

Older adopted children quite often feel guilty over the break up of their birth family, fearing or assuming that it has been their fault. They need to be reassured that it was not their fault and that it is adults who should take responsibility not children.

Children also find it difficult if their birth parents have kept other children in the family. One adoptive mother said, “I think it was the experience of placing you for adoption that really made her get her act together, so she was able to keep the younger one.” Or “She knew how hard it was to be a good parent, and wanting the very best for you right from the beginning, she placed you for adoption”.

Disabled children may believe that if they had been born able-bodied, their birth parents may not have made an adoption plan for them. An adoptive parent may say, “Of course they loved you, but they were anxious that they wouldn’t be able to look after you properly and so they looked for someone who could.” Raising the self esteem of a disabled child is, or course, very important in helping them come to terms with their own limitations – through encouraging and praising even the smallest achievements, emphasizing the child’s unique place in the family and in the world, finding examples of disabled people who have achieved success in various ways.