TELLING

Part 6 - THE REVELATION OF ADOPTION FROM THE ADOPTEES PERSPECTIVE

Be cautious of treating an adopted child as special or ‘chosen’

Most adoptees express warm appreciation to parents who told them about their adoptive status at a young age. This knowledge did not cause them any stress. However some were told that they were special or chosen and felt it was difficult to live up to their chosen status or to prove they were worthwhile.

Unfortunately some adoptees only found out about being adopted later in life from neighbours, peers, friends, relatives or by finding their adoption documents. This sudden discovery caused shock, grief, confusion and anger towards both the adoptive and biological parents. A late revelation from parents can cause the adoptees to feel that the bottom has fallen out of their world. Their lives have been based on a lie. If they cannot discuss the matter with their parents because they have passed away or for fear of hurting them, their anxiety and stress is exacerbated. When parents deny the adoption or are loathe to discuss the matter, it makes the adoptees feel that the circumstances around their adoption must have been shameful and terrible.

To sum up we learn from adoptees that they value being told about their adoption by their adoptive parents at a young age.

They do not like to be treated as special or chosen but just as ordinary children.

They do not like to be shielded from the possible hurt of being told about their adoption, but do appreciate honesty and truth.

They also appreciate learning about the circumstances leading to their adoption and the reasons for the adoption.

They are hungry for all the knowledge they can acquire about their birth families, their physical, cultural and emotional characteristics.

They do not like to hear any derogatory remarks about their birth parents.

They value being able to freely discuss their adoption with their adoptive parents on an ongoing basis.

- (from a paper prepared by a social worker from an agency for adoptees wishing to trace birth parents).