tellingpart4

TELLING

Part 4 - A GUIDELINE OF WHAT TO TELL AND WHEN TO TELL

Parents have the right to decide for themselves what information they can share and with whom.

Information referring to your child’s genetic or social history – who their parents are, what they are like, why they placed the child for adoption and such things is considered private. Such information should perhaps never be shared with anyone other than your child when he is much older and of an age to understand the more complex side of things. Your child may be devastated that you kept a secret from him but told others.

Parents are under no obligation to reveal personal and potentially stigmatizing information to casual acquaintances or strangers.

If a chance encounter develops into a friendship, parents can explain their initial reluctance to reveal their adoptive status.

For instance, you might say, without apology, “No, we did not tell you that our child was adopted as many people do not understand adopted families and without meaning to, say hurtful things when they find out we’re an adoptive family. So we’ve decided not to share that information until we know people better and they know us better.”

There will be occasions when people ask personal questions. Without revealing any private family information, you could reply in an educating fashion. Here is a question I have been asked many times:

“How much do you know about her real parents?”

“You mean her birth-parents? We have all the information that we requested and we’re very satisfied with what we have been told”.

Persistent questions can be discouraged with a polite but firm, “I appreciate your interest, but we’ve decided that the information is private and one day Alex can share it if and when he chooses to.”

Explaining the circumstances of adoption is not a simple task. It involves acknowledging a child’s differences, without making too much or too little of these. For parents and children alike it involves facing strong feelings. Some parents hope that if only they can explain things ‘properly’, their children can be spared some of the upset of trying to make sense of adoption.

An American psychologist, David Brodzinsky, has explored children’s understanding of adoption at various stages of their intellectual and emotional development, and this offers some basic guidelines to sharing information about birth families with children of different ages. Remember the suggestions are only a guide and children obviously vary in their speed of development and ability to understand.

KEY POINTS

There is no absolutely RIGHT time and no RIGHT way to talk about adoption. There are simply opportunities to share some of the facts at different stages of understanding throughout childhood.

Explaining and exploring adoption is a CONTINUOUS process. Information takes on new meaning as children grow up and the need to hear the same basic story developed and amplified over the years.

SILENCE about adoption does not automatically mean a lack of interest on a child’s part. Appearing unconcerned or bored about the subject can sometimes mean a child is struggling to make sense of what he has already been told and only knows how much he can take in at any one time.

You cannot make the sad and sometimes distressing facts about family background easy to hear – only easier. Distinguish between birth parents’ actions and their overall value as people. The more comfortable you feel with background information, the more confident you can pass it onto your child. Some parents REHEARSE the details of a child’s story together long before the child may wish to know them.

Always be HONEST. However hard the facts (e.g. abuse), find words to cover the situation but leave room for the details to be added as a child grows older, (e.g. ‘your mother didn’t really know how to look after children and sometimes she hurt you’).

EXPLORING adoption need not always be serious! (e.g. pets become part of your family; tapes allow you to rehearse what you want to say; TV – just watch the soaps!; mime, role play and telling stories; dolls and puppets can speak about things that are hard to mention.)

HERE IS AN APPROXIMATE GUIDE AS TO WHAT TO TELL AND AT WHICH AGE:

Babies and toddlers: 0 – 4 years

Very young children have no understanding of adoption. However, if parents talk about it from the start e.g. a favourite bedtime story, they will become more confident about the subject and young children will pick up the positive value their parents’ place on the words long before they know what adoption means. A comfortable atmosphere is created around the subject.

Children placed trans-racially become aware of racial differences and the social values placed on skin colour before they can talk properly. They are sensitive to people’s reactions to them long before words have meaning.

Three to four year olds do not understand the difference between birth and adoption although some express sadness that they didn’t come ‘out of your tummy’. They would have liked it to have happened because it means being close to you.

Starting School: 4 – 6 years

Children of this age know more about the birth process and are usually interested in babies and genitals! They ask ‘why’ repeatedly but still do not understand the difference between birth and adoption. Some believe everyone is adopted. They can mislead you with apparent ‘understanding’ by repeating what you have said.

School introduces them to other people’s reactions. By six, children know to which racial group they belong, and that some people are valued more than others.

Children of this age are not particularly concerned about adoption, but they play out a lot of fantasy games and use ‘magical thinking’. Keep the adoption story simple, concrete and be specific.

Middle school years: 6 – 8 years

Children from 6 – 8 years begin to differentiate between birth and adoption as ways of entering a family. They accept adoption as a permanent state without understanding why – they accept things ‘because Mummy and Daddy said so’. They begin to wonder why the birth family ‘couldn’t keep them’ and can accept concrete explanations e.g. ‘they didn’t have enough money’ etc.

From 8 – 10 years

Children start gathering information and solving problems! Children understand by now the difference between birth and adoption, and may begin to doubt the permanence of all relationships. It can be a disturbing time for adopted children as they realize that social situations change, e.g. if a mother was not able to look after a child then, is she more able now? This can lead to thoughts of ‘will she come back to get me’? they need to be reassured that they are part of the family forever. They start to realize that to have gained their adoptive family they had to lose their first family and need to mourn these losses. This adaptive grieving can involve anger, denial and despair about the past. Some children do not like to talk about their sadness while some find it helpful to have their sadness recognized for what it is.

10 – 12 years

Here understanding of the social problems which lead to adoption becomes more sophisticated (e.g. infertility). Children are more confident that things will stay as they are and are more secure at home and at school.

The teenage years: Identity, Who am I?

Teenagers need FACTS, and it is worth asking the placement agency to see if there is any more information at this stage. Without facts teenagers may fantasise or idealise their ‘other parents’. They need as real a picture as possible and may even ask for photographs. They may idealise or rubbish these details much as they may accept or criticize you. Some teenagers try to assume their birth parents identities, hobbies, interests and talents and appear to reject all you stand for. It is an age of confusion and turmoil and they struggle to make sense of having two families. The loss of racial/cultural identity for some trans-racially placed youngsters is acute. Be clear about the facts, offer support in seeking more information, be prepared to talk about adoption, allow young people to mourn their losses and, above all, hold on to your belief in yourselves as parents

(Summarised from a paper by David Brodzinsky, an American psychologist.)