TELLING

Part 1 – CHOOSING THE TIME

Telling your child that he/she is adopted is probably the most difficult thing to do, or at least just the thought of telling them. You panic and go cold inside when you think about it. How am I going to do it … should I do it? When should I tell them? You know you have to because it’s the correct thing to do, but how?

You have a fear deep inside you that your child will perhaps reject you because you are not their biological parent. Suddenly you may feel that they are in a better position than you.

The fact is … the earlier, the better … both for yourself and for the child. The longer you leave it, the more of a ‘secret’ it becomes and the more difficult is your job ahead of you.

Here are some views for consideration

However silly you may feel doing this, practice saying the words “my beautiful adopted child” whilst holding your newborn in your arms. Look into his eyes and say it a few times a day. Get used to the sound of your voice and the words which you do not want to say or talk about. Talk about adoption to your baby and toddler even though they do not understand. It gives you lots of practice!

I started saying this to my newborn and felt absolutely ridiculous and almost cringed the moment the word “adopted” escaped my mouth. But I knew I had to do this … to make it easier for me at a later stage. When my baby moved into the ‘toddler’ stage, I found myself choking on the words every time I said “my beautiful adopted child’ and I thought “Am I ever going to be able to handle this?”

The funny thing is, as my children moved into the ‘communicative phase’, it started getting a bit easier. I am able to discuss openly with them any issues that arise (though there is always a little pang in the heart, I must tell you).

As it is only my daughter who discusses her adoption (read their individual stories), the two of us do get quite tearful at times. But that’s fine … I love her desperately and she never stops telling me how happy she is to have come into our family and how much she loves us.

My son, handles all this very differently though. I went through exactly the same motions at the same ages. When he was very little, he just listened. He never asked any questions and now, a teenager, he still asks no questions. He switches off when the subject arises and I assume he is not ready to talk about it yet. I do not push the issue with him, but it can be quite tricky when you have another sibling who cannot stop talking about the adoption.

It becomes especially difficult when the child reaches their teen years. They are going though so much emotionally, physically, mentally. At this stage they really are trying to just ‘fit in’ the social side of things.

In most families the teenage years are equally difficult for both the teenager and parents alike. It is easy to blame adoption for problems which are just part of normal growing pains of adolescence, and children and parents may not be able to talk freely nor easily about any subject at this particular time. The teenager may find it easier to discuss problems with someone outside the family. This could be common and one should not feel hurt. You may even encourage your child to talk to someone outside of the immediate family that he feels he can confide in (hopefully a sensible person).

Adolescence can be a time when curiosity about origins may reach a peak, after which it often dies down again and may not resurface until adopted people get married, or become parents themselves.