Worried about your teen?

"Ask a random kid today if she wants to be popular and she'll tell you no, even if the truth is that if she was in a desert dying of thirst and had the choice between a glass of water and instant popularity, she'd probably choose the latter." - Jodi Picoult (Nineteen Minutes)

It's easy to become paranoid about teenager behavior when teens become distant, independent or emotional (which is true of every teen). But when you think something serious is going on, what should you do?

What is 'normal' teen behaviour?

Don't be surprised if your teen exhibits what seem to be personality changes - hormones, self-esteem and a growing sense of independence are all factors that may cause you to wonder where your little boy or girl went. However, many of these changes are perfectly normal. Knowing your teen and what's normal behavior for them personally will lessen your anxiety while also helping you to determine when bumps in the road to adulthood are more serious and require intervention.

One change that worries parents is when teens seem to shut off from family and focus all their attention on friends. Stronger ties with peers are common as a teen learns their place amongst their peer group and begins to identify with others of similar age and interests. Expect lots of talking, texting and hanging out at this age as your teen becomes part of a social circle that is outside of the family. Don't worry that your teen will be lost - strong communication skills, including listening as well as talking, and ensuring teens spend social time with the family will protect them from the negative pressures of peer groups.

It is also healthy for teens to begin desiring more independence which often shows up by balking at treatment that they feel is childish. It is often difficult for parents to remain objective about their children and failing to acknowledge the abilities and responsibility of your older child may be causing friction. However, setting of permissiveness limits is necessary since teens are not equipped with the instincts or experience of adults when making decisions.

You may also find your teen has become more confrontational than before. Are you missing your sweet and willing eight year old? Sorry, teens need to assert their independence and responding with appropriate levels permissiveness will help your teen develop their own tastes and sense of responsibility - so long as respect within the family is still enforced.

When to worry?

When teen behavior goes from typically troublesome to dangerous can be a fuzzy line unless you have kept the lines of communication open and are involved in your teen's day-to-day life.

While stress, peer pressure and puberty will at times cause your teen to act distant, defiant or emotional, sudden changes or extreme behavior are the clearest signs of real trouble.

If your teen goes from being typically happy to becoming sullen, withdrawn and moody most of the time it could be a sign that your child is struggling and needs your help - addictions, depression or bullying are potential causes of this extreme change. Friends who isolate your teen and restrict access to other peer and family relationships can also be a sign your teen is being dangerously controlled. A sudden drop in school grades, abandoning sports or other activities they previously loved or a change in friends should alert you to potential problems.

When you suspect something's wrong your best action is to talk to your teen. Try to rebuild lost lines of communication by spending time one on one with your teen in a non-threatening situation such as watching TV, taking a drive or going grocery shopping. Resist the urge to demand explanations or blame your teen's friends since that will only cause your teen to feel defensive.

When answers are not forthcoming assure your teen that you want to listen when they're ready. Offer plenty of opportunities for them to talk. If what your teen tells you fills you with anger try to stay calm. Imagine how you would expect a teacher, therapist or adult friend to react to the news and try to stay focused on helping your child rather than judging them which may lead to your teen closing up.

If your attempts to find out what's bothering your teen seem futile or you are aware of serious problems such as alcohol, drug abuse, suicidal thoughts or sexual activity you should consider asking your child's doctor for advice - possibly even arranging a private visit for your teen to talk to a responsible adult when they won't talk with you.

Even self assured teens with close relationships with their parents and no school problems can find themselves dealing with situations they just can't get out of by themselves. Watching for warning signs and talking and spending time with your teen on a regular basis will be your biggest assets to helping your teen get through these difficult years.

Helping Teens Cope with Their Troubles

Some folks say that the "teenage years are the toughest". For you and them! Growing up is a continual process filled with regular highs and lows. As a parent, it's expected. But what can you do to help through the tough times they might face down the road of life? Here are some quick tips for those parents that are struggling to understand their "troubled teens".

COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!.........and when you're done doing this, communicate again!!!!

Most teens can be pretty "tight-lipped" about many of their complicated issues they might be trying to handle or hash out on their own, simply taking the time to ask them what's bothering them or what's going on can REALLY help. Even if you don't have the best line of communication with your teen, or it has somehow broken down as they have gotten older, most teens are willing, and ready, to open up to you in most cases.

Remember to always LISTEN FIRST to what they have to say. While the topic of discussion may not seem that important in your eyes, teens see everything as a tragedy waiting to happen! To them, what they are going through is almost like the "end of the world" or at least the end of THEIR world. Most teens are self-centered, and so, the entire world as it relates to them, which is pretty much every single aspect of it, revolves around them. At least, in their thought process.

No matter how compelled you might be, DON'T INTERRUPT THEM! Let them get the weight of their concerns or problems off their chest without "butting in" regardless of how upset you might be at what they are revealing to you. Yes, they are letting you inside their small, strange teen world, so be grateful. It will help to strengthen their trust in you not to EXPLODE on them and further open the line of communication between you both.

Understanding and compassion

After your teen has revealed the crux of their current situation, HOLD YOUR TEMPER, no matter how bad it is. Let them know that despite their actions, you love them without boundary and always will. Try putting yourself into "their shoes" and look at the situation from their vantage point.

Without being too "preachy" explain to them that you too were once a teen and had some rough patches, or made poor choices yourself, but you made it through and so will they. Teens don't like being lectured. They get enough of that in school!

Your goal is to be friendly without being their friend. You are still the parent and as the parent, you MUST hand down disciplinary consequences for their actions. Do your best to not blur this thin line. It will just make things more difficult for you both later on.

Also, remember, that the point here is to let them understand that you are ALWAYS available to listen when they are having problems. And through your life experience you are ready with solutions to those problems.

Getting help outside the family

If your teen's particular situation is too much for you to effectively offer a solution or help them, don't be afraid to ask for help elsewhere. Remember firstly, you are not alone! There are outstanding organizations out there ready to help. You can find just the right one by searching through the Yellow Pages or doing a topic search online to get in touch with the proper organization. Networking is imperative.

It's important for the health and well-being of your teen to do everything in your power to help. Also keep in mind that whatever the age, unless your teen is willing to TRY then any outside help you seek will be fruitless. Remember too, that you are your child's best source of stability and unless you take care of yourself, you will be less likely to provide assistance to your teenager.

As a parent, you need to be aware of your own behaviours and actions. Your teenager DOES notice any display of contradictions. Actions speak louder than words!

Many parents (and perhaps more today than ever before) tend to want to be their children's 'friend' rather than a 'parent'. Be aware that this can backfire. Although your intention is good, you may run the risk of loosing your position of authority. Teenagers, contrary to what it seems, look to their parents for guidance and you need to provide this in what is a very fine line between 'friend' and 'parent'.

It is not easy being a parent and a great effort is required to develop these skills. You learn as you go along - but in the end - your children are worth it!

"ADOLESCENCE IS LIKE A HOUSE ON MOVING DAY - A TEMPORARY MESS." - Julius Warren in Quote Magazine