Do you want to tell your biological child about adoption?

Many parents find that their own biological child may come into contact with another child who is adopted. The child then comes home with a statement like “My friend Sally says she is adopted” and asks you for an explanation.

Where do you start? Firstly, you would probably be surprised, as often the child is known to you and the thought might not even have crossed your mind that the child is not the ‘natural’ child of the couple that you know or are friends with.

Perhaps you feel slightly betrayed that your ‘friend’ never told you (if you know her relatively well). You need to remember that the child’s adoption status is private and that information is first and foremost, hers and the adopted child’s, to hold onto. She has the right to not share it with anyone if she so chooses.

Often though, it is the child herself, who will decide to share her special information with other children. Unfortunately, the child on the receiving end of this information is almost always uninformed about this topic and will immediately pick up on the ‘something special about this bit of news’ and run to Mommy with some interesting information. And again, a huge percentage of adults are uninformed about adoption and will reply to her child’s query with “Her real mother didn’t want her and gave her away”.

This is very harmful as the child carrying the new ‘secret’ information will return to school and immediately tell all her friends that ‘Sally’s mummy didn’t want her’, which is very far from the truth. The adopted child will then, who perhaps told her best friend her ‘private information’ be extremely hurt that the message is now doing its rounds with all the incorrect connotations attached. Most often, the message that does the ‘rounds’ is information which was fed to the child by her parents (through ignorance).

One must remember firstly that the biological mother that gives up her child for adoption has committed one of the greatest acts of love and unselfishness that can be imagined. She does not do so with ease. It is a decision which tears her apart and often something which will never leave her for the rest of her life. She will never forget the child she gave birth to and will always leave space in her heart for the love she will feel for this child.

She gives up this child because the circumstances in her life at that point in time (and there are many various circumstances) does not warrant bringing up a child. She is mature and realistic enough to realize this and does not want her child to be brought up in her circumstances. She therefore has endured a lot of pain and planning to make sure that she can offer her child (who is an innocent party) the best possible life which she is not able to provide.

Bearing this in mind, realize how wrong the statement “Her mummy didn’t want her” is.

It would be a good idea to sit down with your child who has brought you the information, and without showing too much surprise, discuss in a gentle and caring way that there are many adopted children in the world and no one’s story is the same.

One could begin by saying “Oh, isn’t that wonderful news? Sally and her parents are so lucky to have one another then, aren’t they?” And “they make such a nice family.” Your child will immediately pick up from your reaction that this is ‘nice’ news and the situation is just fine. (This is the reaction she will take back to school with her the next day!)

Thereafter your child will probably ask you more details as to “what does adoption mean”. Here you can begin by expanding a bit on the subject. Without referring directly to Sally or her situation, you can introduce the idea that there are various ways to get a ‘family’ and sometimes a Mummy and Daddy cannot have children of their own. This Mummy and Daddy will feel very sad about the fact that they cannot have a family, so they may adopt a child.

One should avoid comparing the adoption of a child to the adoption of a pet since often the adoption of a pet is not a permanent acquisition.

Once your child has started making a connection about adopting, you can move further into how a young mother may have a baby and feel she is not ready to be a mother and so she makes a decision that someone else must take care of her baby. But she is very careful about who the baby goes to as she wants the very best family to take her child and to give her child the best possible home and life.

Mention that the birth-mother will be very sad to give up her child but she will know that it is the right thing to do in her position. Also mention that the mother will never forget the child she gives up but will be happy with her decision once she knows she has chosen a good family and she knows her child is safe.

Adopted children are not to be pitied nor described as ‘special’.

This is a good discussion to have with your child, even though they have never come into contact with an adopted child as there is bound to be a time in their lives when they will.There are millions of adopted children in the world and the chances of coming into contact with someone who is adopted is great indeed.