Letter 1

Articles parents, grandparents or the adoptee themselves have written. Quoted from the Adoptive Parents’ Association Newsletter. And Letters quoted from various sources:

Grandmothers tell their story

Moving and courageous accounts of two grandmothers whose daughters gave up their children for adoption.

MOMMY, I WANT TO KEEP MY BABY(quoted from YOU, 19 November 1987)

On a Friday evening in the spring of 1985 my 14-year-old daughter, Laurel, called me to her bedroom. “I need to talk to you, Mommy.” She said. “I think I’m pregnant”.

My mouth became dry, I couldn’t think of a damned thing to say. My thoughts had fled. “I last menstruated two months ago but I’ve already decided what I’m going to do” Laurel said. “I want an abortion.”

I wanted to scream but I tried to remain calm. Perhaps it wasn’t so. I tried to console myself. Perhaps she wasn’t pregnant. Don’t panic.

“I’ll phone the clinic tomorrow to ask them to do a pregnancy test on you.” I told her. Then I got up and walked out of the room, too upset for words.

I tossed and turned the whole night. Laurel was my only child, my baby. I’m divorced – a single parent – and we had been very close to each other. Until now. She had told me nothing and I would never have guessed she was sexually active.

I had talked to her about sex and birth control but I didn’t think she would need my advice. At least not for a long, long time. She was so young.

The next morning I phoned the clinic to make an appointment for the pregnancy test. They suggested I do a home test before I brought her in.

The same night Laurel had the test and the following morning the result was there: positive.

My child and I had always been able to talk about things comfortably and openly but at that moment neither of us knew what to say. We just didn’t talk. I was numb, as if I were looking at a film and what had happened to me was actually someone else.

In the afternoon I was overcome with rage. How could she do it to us, how could Laurel bring home this kind of problem? I was furious and also frightened, especially for her.

Later I told her how upset I was. “I don’t understand how it could have happened” I said. “What about your future, what are you going to do?”

I assumed the baby’s father was the boy she’d been going out with and I was right. He knew she was pregnant and he’d also told his parents. They never got in touch with me and – rightly or wrongly – I didn’t want to contact them either. I only knew them slightly and anyway, I believed the whole thing was a problem Laurel and I had to solve.

I phoned the clinic again and made an appointment. Laurel was scared and I was angry.

She had another pregnancy test and was called in by a social worker. After a while the door of the consulting room opened and Laurel softly said “I don’t think the abortion is the right thing for me.”

I was beside myself. I hadn’t for a moment thought that Laurel would change her mind.

One of the counselors who saw the expression on my face realized I was surprised and took me to a private room where she confirmed Laurel’s choice.

“Haven’t I got a say in the matter?” I wanted to know.

The woman shook her head. It was the first of many time that I would hear that Laurel was the only one who could take decisions on the baby, even though she was my child. I had no rights, the baby was Laurel’s – although I had to carry the financial burden.The social worker gave us a list of homes for unmarried mothers and made an appointment with one.

On the way there I was still trying to get my child to change her mind. “It’s a big responsibility to look after a baby on your own,” I told her. “You’re still so young. How are you going to do it?”

Laurel simply repeated she didn’t see her way clear to having an abortion and that it wasn’t the right thing for her.

I felt I was dying inside. I didn’t want Laurel to keep the baby, she was too young.

On top of everything else there were the financial responsibilities. I earn just enough money to keep us both – I couldn’t afford the baby. Apart from which, I thought to myself, I did not want to spend the rest of my life bringing the baby up. Whether this was selfish or not, I had to think of myself.

Later I phoned Laurel’s father and my parents to give them the news and, like me, they all tried to dissuade her. We begged, cried and screamed but it made no impression. Laurel was determined to have the baby. “It’s the right thing for me.” She said again and again.

The next day the two of us talked it out. We decided it was better for her to move into the home for unmarried mothers until the baby was born because the conflict between us would make living under the same roof unbearable.

Her application to the home was successful and about two weeks before she ad to leave she was standing at the door of my room.

“ May I watch TV with you?” she wanted to know. She climbed into bed with me and before long she was fast asleep. I curled right up to her and kissed her and from then on for the reminder of the two weeks she came to sleep with me.

Laurel moved into the home and I missed her terribly. I visited regularly over the followintg months and it seemed to me she was quite happy and handling the situation well. Every week I could see her getting bigger and bigger.

But Laurel still hadn’t decided what to do when the baby arrived.

At last when she wa seven month pregnant one of the counselors called me in and said Laurel was considering giving her baby up for adoption. I fervently hoped she wouldn’ t change her mind again.

On my next visit Laurel showed me snapshots and told me stories of the other girls at the home – all of whom were giving their children up for adoption.

After weeks of weighing pros and cons she was given the name of a couple she believed would give her unborn child a good education and her the freedom to get on with her life. Above all it was a family who would love her baby.

I was delighted with Laurel’s choice and I told her so. But my joy was short-lived when I heard she was planning to hand over the baby herself. The social worker told me that was the most difficult to have the baby adopted but Laurel insisted on it, she wanted to meet the future parents herself.

As the day of the birth drew nearer Laurel asked me to stand by her at the delivery. We began attending prenatal classes together and it was one way of drawing closer to one another.

The first pangs came at 12.30 on a Thursday in November. I drove calmly with Laurel to the hospital. Once there labour was easy and at 1.30 the next morning she gave birth to a lovely baby girl.

I took the baby in my arms, moved by ther complete little face and the strands of fine blond hair on her head, I thought, as she slept in my arms. “Perhaps we could still keep her.” While I held my granddaughter in my arms anything was possible.

For the next two days Laurel and I admired the baby and didn’t think about the adoption. But on the third day the baby’s new parents arrived.

Laurel gave them a book with family snaps and letters she’d written to her daughter. Her father and I were with her and between the tears we tried to calm her down. But there was little we could say or do to reduce the pain.

The young couple had brought a yellow rose for Laurel as a present from her baby daughter. The woman wooed over the baby and said, “What a lovely baby.”

The new parents allowed Laurel to dress her daughter for the last time. When Laurel took the baby in her arms, she kissed her and between the tears handed the baby to her new mother.

It felt as if my heart would break.

For the next two weeks Laurel stayed at home and didn’t go to school. She only thought, cried and slept.

The social worked called regularly and so did Laurel’s friends and eventually she returned to school.

But as the court date for handing over the baby officially drew near I saw something was wrong. Laurel was very quiet and she refused to talk about it.

Five days before the hearing the social worker phoned me at work to say she believed Laurel was going to change her mind and keep the baby.

I was overcome with fear. I summonded all my courage and told Laurel I loved her, that I loved her baby and that I admired her for the adoption choice she’d made. But I really felt the baby would be better off with her new parents and because I felt this way about it I wouldn’t allow the baby to live in my house.

To say that to Laurel was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I had to be straight.

The day of the hearing dawned and Laurel wouldn’t talk about what she had to do or about what she had decided.

In the little room next to the courtroom she took her place behind her table, smiled thinly and signed the adoption documents.

In the courtroom we both gave evidence that we had acted in the baby’s best interest. I cannot describe the feeling of love and pride I felt for my daughter at that moment.

“You know, Mom,” Laurel said to me later, her eyes full of tears, “I know now it’s not always easy to give your child the best.”

Today Laurel and I are very close to each other and we’ve learned to respect each other’s ideas.

Laurel keeps in touch with her child’s new parents and she’s proud that she could give her baby a good home.

(At the time of going to press, this true story came from America where unlike South Africa, abortion was legal).

Letter 2

Granny for five days(letter written to YOUR FAMILY, July 1981)

I have brought up two daughters on my own since my youngest was four-and-a-half. It’s been a hard and bitter life as my husband didn’t want the responsibility of marriage. But I’m a proud mother. My eldest has put herself through varsity for four years and just before her 21st birthday flew to Johannesburg for a career. My youngest wrote matric and had her career all lined up for her future.

For her Matric dance, I overspent, but it was worth it. She looked so lovely, her partner as handsome. They had been going out for 11 months. I was fond of him, although at 21 I thought he was a bit old for her. He was her first boyfriend.

Nine weeks later, our world was shattered. We discovered she was pregnant. All our hopes and dreams flew out of the window. We went to see her boyfriend and his parents. He just hung his head – so we came home.

Today my child is nearly six months pregnant and in the time has suffered not only from sickness, but hateful and cruel remarks from strangers – always females – and I’ve often found her crying, bitterly. So called friends, suddenly dropped her. Once, at work, I received a huge vase of lovely flowers and a small note saying “Thank you for all your love and support.” Today I know she is still hurt, about her boyfriend. She didn’t expect to be rejected like that. He has bought himself a motorbike and has a new girl.

We are very fond of “our baby”. The baby already has a name, and clothes which I’m making so “she” won’t look different to the other babies in hospital. And my child has bought a big cuddly toy for “her”. It hurts me very much to see my child sitting feeling her tummy for the baby’s movements, knowing still more heartbreak lies ahead for her. For although she would love to keep her, we know it wouldn’t be fair. Especially to the baby.

So for five days at hospital, she will nurse and love it, and then put it back in its little crib and walk away. My heart breaks for us all.

My daughter has great courage. I pity all the young girls who find themselves in this position. It seems utterly wrong that nothing can “touch” the male. I offered to send her to a special home, but she knows I can’t really afford it and has decided to stay.

So one day when you adopt a “little one”, give it an extra hug and kiss for all the young mothers who had to give “her” up.

I pray one day my daughter will find her peace and happiness and will learn to put this experience behind her. I pray that others will allow her to, and not point a finger at her as “the girl who gave up her baby”.

Letter 3

Quoted from YOU, 13 September, 1990)

Thanks for life, Mum

If my biological mother believed in abortion, I wouldn’t be here. Instead she gave me up for adoption and a wonderful life with my adoptive parents.

At 15, there is nothing that I want or need that I haven’t got. I wouldn’t change a thing for the world. Although I’ve had bad times, I’m very happy. My parents gave me love, warmth, care, support, help and guidance – and I give them the same in return.

In my homeland, abortion is legal, so I thank by biological mother for giving me the chance to live. I have friends who care about me, a wonderful 17-year-old brother whom I adore, and fantastic, irreplaceable parents who love me. You gave me life, you didn’t destroy it.

Signed Alive and Well

Letter 4

Quoted from YOU 18 March, 1993)

Childless couples must not give up hope of ever adopting. Two days after I turned 17 my son was born.

Having fed him and bathed him, I realized that I was only a child trying to look after another child.

I decided to give him up for adoption and was assured that when I left the hospital that afternoon my son would be in his very own home.

Death is easier to accept.

Today I have a letter to carry around and read every day. Blessed Adoptive Mother, has made me happier in my heart by writing how thankful she is to have one of these love babies as her own.

People like me don’t just give away a child: I owed it to him to make sure that he will have a father and a mother. I hope that a few unmarried young girls out there will read my letter, and realize there are many childless couples who will give your child a happy life. I am married now and have two beautiful daughters, but I also have a son and he is in my prayers every night.

I listen to a lot of conversations at work, women condemning young girls for giving up their child for adoption, but they don’t know what they are talking about.

I hope one day he will come to me and understand that I did what I did for him and that he won’t hate me.

Letter 5

Quoted from YOU, 18 March 1993

My adoptive parents gave me all the love any child could ever need, I traced my father, met him last year and it was wonderful.

We talk over the phone as often as possible, have discovered that we have a lot in common, and I am forever grateful to him and my mother for having the courage to give me up.

It really is very selfish to try to raise a child on a small income when you can only just pay the bills as it is, and there are thousands of couples who have waited years for the chance to adopt.

Letter 6

Quoted from YOU 25 February 1993

From the time we started trying to have a baby until the day that the adoption agency actually laid our beautiful son in our arms was nine very long heartbreaking years. We look back now and wonder how we survived.

We never lose sight of the fact that our joy was somebody else’s sadness. We think of their natural mothers so often with love, although we will never know who they were.

Our children know that they are adopted and chat about it openly and know that their natural mothers loved them too much to have an abortion or try and struggle to bring them up on their own.

When my son receives a trophy for sport or my daughter a merit badge I say a silent prayer to their natural mothers: “Thank you for this precious gift, your child is doing so well, you would be so proud.”

Letter 7

“Why I gave my baby away”Quoted from Personality April 29, 1994

For many a young, unmarried mother the future looks bleak – especially if her lover suddenly turns his back on her and her parents reject her because of the shame she’s brought on the family. But there are places they can turn to for support, both before and after the birth.

Louise (not her real name) discovered this after the man she loved, Martin, abandoned her when she was already seven-and-a-half months pregnant.

Louise (23), a British citizen, came to South Africa in September 1991 with her four-year-old son after her husband was killed in a car accident.“I met Martin soon after arriving”. She says. “He told me from the start that he yearned for a son. He was always saying how much he loved children – and eventually persuaded me to fall pregnant.”

When Louise finally did fall pregnant, Martin was over the moon: “He told everyone at work, saying from the beginning that it was going to be a boy, though my friends and I all thought it would be a girl.”

Louise and Martin looked forward eagerly to the birth of their baby, and Louise firmly believed they would soon get married.

“Martin was always saying how happy the two of us were going to be, and how we were going to be raising our own rugby team,” says Louise. “I believed every word of it, but in retrospect I realize I was so in love that I wasn’t being rational.”

When Martin disappeared, louise was so afraid that something might have happened to him that she couldn’t bring herself to phone around and ask where he was. “My mother eventually tracked him down to his parents’ house, she says. “When she confronted him about his disappearance, he said he had no idea I was pregnant – this after he’d spent the whole seven and a half months with me and used to get so excited to feel the baby kicking in me.

Shortly after Martin dumped her, Louise suffered a second blow. She lost her job at a casino and couldn’t find another. “I began to realize I was in a bad situation as I wouldn’t be able to provide for my baby on my own,” she says. “Luckily my parents had since moved to South Africa so I was able to stay with them. They also helped by buying things for my four-year-old. But I couldn’t expect them to look after the second child as well.”

Louise realized she might have to give the baby up for adoption. “I never thought I’d do something like that, having worked in a kindergarten and as a nanny, but there seemed no other way out. A month before the birth I finally decided to do it and phoned a radio helpline who referred me to an adoption agency.

Louise moved into their ‘home’ two weeks before the baby was due. She was given the profiles of five families to study and had to choose one to adopt her baby. “When I read the fourth profile, I knew they were the right people,” she says.

Louise chose the adoptive parents on a Thursday, and on Friday they visited her at the home. She and the couple – also from England – were soon chatting away like old friends. On the Saturday, the couple took her out. “We had a photo taken of the three of us and it was very special for me,” says Louise. “In other circumstances we could have become close friends.”

Louise started going into labour on the Monday and her adoptive parents went with her to the hospital.

“They were fantastic”, says Louise. At one stage the midwife said I must stop pushing as the umbilical cord was around the baby’s neck. I looked into the future father’s eyes and could see him pleading with me not to risk strangling his baby. I’ll never forget his face. After the birth, he was the first to feed the baby, a boy, from a bottle.

“They were just so wonderful. I don’t know how I could have gone through it without their help. To be in labour for 12 hours is no joke, but they supported and encouraged me the whole time.

Because Louise had decided on an open adoption, in other words adoption through an agency, she was allowed to hold her baby and feed it from a bottle.

“I really wanted to know where my child would be going, otherwise I’d wonder for the rest of my life if all was well with him. Now I know he’ll be happy. His adoptive parents write to me every week and they have also sent me photos of him. It’s ironic – he looks just like Martin, the man who so wanted to have a son!”

The most difficult thing for Louise was telling her first son where his little brother was. “He’d been so excited about the brother or sister he was going to have, and when I got home from the hospital he couldn’t understand why I didn’t bring the baby with me. I told him there was a lady at the hospital who wanted a baby very badly but couldn’t have one, so I gave my baby to her. He battled to understand this, but at least he accepted the situation,” says Louise, wiping away the tears that roll unceasingly down her cheeks.

Louise urges all unmarried mothers to seek help from Adoption agency’s and child welfare. The first advantage of staying at a home for unmarried mothers is that you’re with people in the same situation as yourself. You’re also kept busy with courses in sewing, cooking and pre-natal instruction.

As the birthdate approaches, you’re helped with preparations for it and with your decision over the future of the baby. Should you decide on adoption, you’ll learn what sort of family your baby will be going to and know that any time you want information on it, this will be obtained for you. If you want your child to know why you gave him up for adoption, the organization will see that he’s told.

After your baby is born, a social worker helps you fill in the necessary forms. Your child’s short and long-term needs are identified and the best possible home is chosen for him. The adoptive parents are instructed to let him know from early on that he’s adopted and to give him as much information as possible about his biological parents.

The organization does not encourage unmarried mothers to give their babies away.

In the event that the mother decides to give her baby up for adoption, the social worker will stay in touch with the adoptive parents and keep the natural mother informed on its progress, at least until the adoption is finalized, which can take up to three months.